From the People to the People
Or for the people. People always ask “What is it like being bipolar”? The question has many answers. People with bipolar disorder have various symptoms in common but like everyone they are individuals with their own faults and imperfections. What they do have in common is the highs and lows but how they are displayed varies from person to person and takes a professional to diagnose. Writing is a form of therapy and most bipolars are very creative in putting their thoughts, feelings and ideas in written form although sometimes it is seen as hypergraphia and seems to be incoherent.
These writings are from a website where you can express yourself anonymously and share your stories with others. I post these as they were written grammar and spelling unchanged.
These are some experiences which a few bipolars have shared. The site offers the personal insight into many people's lives and it sometimes comes up with interesting ways of dealing with bipolar disorder or ways not to deal with being bipolar. Writing is recommended for many mental disorders or for anyone an these stories whether they are true or not are expressions of people who are looking for answers. Whether or not those questions will be answered is up to the readers. I post these as they were written grammar and spelling unchanged. So here is a side of bipolar life that you may or may not relate to .This may help or not in our bipolar life but they are interesting!
Looking For Answers, Constantly
I was diagnosed bipolar about 7 years ago when i was 19, or at least that was one diagnosis they considered after my first crisis. every year in early spring i start to go manic which lasts about 2 weeks as i start to go back on my meds. some of the manic episodes were terrible experiences but nonetheless i've tried for 7 years to cope with it without meds as i'm a firm believer that there is more than one solution to any problem. this last manic episode, however much fun it was, really got to worrying my friends and family and i've decided to continue with my meds as its just not worth the energy not to. i've always wanted to help and be a positive influence to the people around me. keeping cool, medicated, and not worrying others is a better state to accomplish this. in recent years i've studied up on buddhist philosophy and positivism which has help me keep a positive outlook on life adn deel with the depressive phase. damn, these days i can't believe just how much i used to dwell on the negative.
whay challanges me these days and what i seek to discover is the energy that feels so real during my manic phases. its humbling to come down off the high and realize that many of my perceptions and realities weren't shared by the greater populations. i wouldn't go so far to call them dellusions, just misconceptions. i've read some about bipolar and spiritual experiences. i believe in these energies and spirits based on my own experiences (mostly during my normal phases). one article i've read argues that spirits often take advantage on a week minds in ustable states.
i have come to a firm conclusion of what reality is and my cosmovision based on all the buddhism, taoism, positivism, and other paths that i've studied. its not something i take passivley. i've pondered much on the nature of what is real (to which my bipolar experiences have contributed). despite my respectively erroneous perceptions, i feel very much connected, and this last episode, harmonious with whats around me. i don't know if my meds will hinder this as the next episode approaches, if it does i'm okay with it, being healthy is more important. i'd like to hear other's ideas on the matter. while these episodes make it hard to manage daily life, the energy that i feel is appealing. and while i sometimes come to erroneous conclusions about the circumstances around me, i feel a harmony that is comforting.
i apologize that my thoughts aren't very organized. i didn't take the time to do so. i hope they're clear enough to give a response!
A letter to myself.
I hate you.
I thought you were better.
3 years of lying.
Saying life was better.
All the while,
In denial.
Stopping medication.
"Clarity."
Moving across the country.
"Solidarity."
Losing jobs...
Wrecking relationships.
Burning bridges.
No doctor visits.
New relationship...
New requirements.
Too much stress...
No mental quietness.
An argument,
Resort to alcohol....
A HUGE...car crash.
A DUI...
A broken light pole...
Cost me time in the hole.
Broken ribs.
Broken hand and jaw.
All because I was invincible...
And broke the law.
Dues paid
By someone else
It's always the story
Never blame myself.
Always thirsty,
Never satisfied...
Even when I know
Christ has saved my life
Eternal soul
Can it be at ease?
God please help me...
I'm on my knees.
I thought I was fine...
I know I'm not.
3 years of lies...
Opportunities shot.
No hope for gain...
All showing is loss.
I wish I could change...
That's a line I can't cross.
I feel doomed.
I've realized...
I am sick.
Should be institutionalized.
It's for the best.
It's what is safe.
"It'll help you grow."
"You'll feel safe."
"You'll learn what's right."
"You'll learn what's true."
"You'll learn to cope..."
"With being you."
"Medication can help you through..."
"And life won't be..."
"...so hard for you."
What's a bipolar girl to do?
I hate you.
I thought you were better.
3 years of lying.
Saying life was better.
All the while,
In denial.
Stopping medication.
"Clarity."
Moving across the country.
"Solidarity."
Losing jobs...
Wrecking relationships.
Burning bridges.
No doctor visits.
New relationship...
New requirements.
Too much stress...
No mental quietness.
An argument,
Resort to alcohol....
A HUGE...car crash.
A DUI...
A broken light pole...
Cost me time in the hole.
Broken ribs.
Broken hand and jaw.
All because I was invincible...
And broke the law.
Dues paid
By someone else
It's always the story
Never blame myself.
Always thirsty,
Never satisfied...
Even when I know
Christ has saved my life
Eternal soul
Can it be at ease?
God please help me...
I'm on my knees.
I thought I was fine...
I know I'm not.
3 years of lies...
Opportunities shot.
No hope for gain...
All showing is loss.
I wish I could change...
That's a line I can't cross.
I feel doomed.
I've realized...
I am sick.
Should be institutionalized.
It's for the best.
It's what is safe.
"It'll help you grow."
"You'll feel safe."
"You'll learn what's right."
"You'll learn what's true."
"You'll learn to cope..."
"With being you."
"Medication can help you through..."
"And life won't be..."
"...so hard for you."
What's a bipolar girl to do?
Out of the Ashes....
It took great tragedy in my life to finally be diagnosed as bipolar. The final blow came after I lost everything I owned in a house fire. Being displaced from your home and trying to cope when your mind does not want to cope wreaks havoc on relationships and your own sense of self. Five months after the fire my boyfriend had walked out saying he couldn't stand see the sadness that had become my life. I had always been the fun one, full of life, always laughing and suddenly my despair was getting worse each day. I found myself seeking out new friends that were more troubled than myself....misery loves company or so it has been said. I stock piled pills of all sorts. They were easy to come by and even easier to throw into their hiding place. I had no idea what pills were what after a while....it was just a case full pills of all shapes, sizes and colors....at the time I wasn't even cognicent of why I was saving them....until one day I decided I needed to sleep. It had been 3 days since I'd slept and I had sunk into a depression and paranoid state that caused me to confine myself to my home. I couldn't even bring myself to check the mail. I was certain that in the mail would be something horrible...never did figure out what but I knew something bad was coming by mail. I took a few pills so that I could sleep the day away. After 30 minutes I took a few more because I didn't think the first ones were working. Then I got confused and couldn't remember if I had taken any pills so I took a few more. An hour later I still couldn't fall asleep and since I didn't think I had taken any pills at all I took a few more and so the cycle began. A full 12 hours later I was still pacing the house. Staggering would be a better choice of words. My boyfriend came home after an overnight shift at work and found me pacing, pupils wildly dialated, speech slurred and my words made no sense. He later told me that it hurt him that I had no regard for life and that he would not stand by and wonder when he would come home too late to save me. I don't recall any of these events and I was never able to convince anyone that my intention that day was not suicide. Maybe subconciously it was, who knows, it may have been. But it didn't start out to be that way and I do not know when my mind may have taken me to that place. My life ended that day in so many ways and it took years of therapy, medications, repairing of relationships with friends, family and coworkers to finally come to terms with what it means to be bipolar. Because of these struggles I have a new life. A life far better than I ever imagined I would have. I have a loving husband, a beautiful daughter, more friends than I can keep up with, and a career that I love. I no longer mind the stigma of being bipolar. I believe that being bipolar has allowed me to experience more and to share these experiences with others in an effort to ease their pain. I am creative, funny and genuine. I will never hide who I am again. I will never apologize for being wired differently from other people. I like who I am and fortunately so do many other people. I hope that anyone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder can find the strength to embrace it rather than hide from it or ignore it. It does not go away and it can not be managed alone. I wish you all the peace that I have found. I still struggle with the ups and downs and still don't always recognize when I'm flipping back and forth but I'm learning everyday.
Thank you for listening to my story! Feel free to share yours with me....I think we can all learn from each other!
My Story
I have bipolar disorder, I live for now and now is all I've got... I smile and live until the next one comes along and that carries me to the next and so on.... It's ok, I'm ok,I Am Bipolar
Me Too
I always Change my mood really Fast
I can be with you laughing my @SS off, then in a minute i can be mad and depressed for no reason
I can be with you laughing my @SS off, then in a minute i can be mad and depressed for no reason
for now... I can live and if I don't that's ok too...
From Bipolar.com
Understanding Suicide
Suicide is a serious risk for people with bipolar disorder, sometimes called manic depression. By learning more about suicide, you're taking an active step in knowing more about your illness.
Here are some facts about bipolar disorder and suicide:
Most suicide attempts occur during a depressed or mixed episode.
Suicide may also occur during an episode of mania, or when a person is going into or coming out of depression or mania. This can happen even if he or she seems to be feeling better.
Up to half of people with bipolar disorder make at least 1 suicide attempt.
Nearly 1 in 5 people with bipolar disorder commits suicide.
People with bipolar disorder who misuse alcohol or drugs have a higher risk of suicide.
Understanding suicidal thoughts
Considering suicide means you need to get help to control your bipolar disorder symptoms.
It's important to know that suicidal thoughts are symptoms of an illness — not "who you are."
Suicidal thoughts may not just go away on their own. That's why you need to get help. The right treatment can help you feel better.
If you are thinking about suicide:
Call 911to get help immediately before you act on those thoughts.
Talk with your healthcare provider or therapist.
Don't stay alone. Call a friend or family member who can watch out for you and tell them not to leave you alone.
Call the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) if you need someone to talk to. Or call a local crisis hotline (many hotlines put their numbers right in the phone book). You may want to write those phone numbers in a place that's easy to get to in case you need them.
This is general information only. Please call your healthcare provider or therapist for more information.
Other things that may help if you have thoughts of suicide:
Get atreatment planand stick with it.The right treatment can help people with bipolar disorder feel better. Going to your healthcare provider, taking your medicines, understanding your symptoms, taking good care of yourself — these are part of taking an active role in your treatment.
Find someone you can talk openly withabout your feelings and thoughts when you are depressed. Other than your healthcare provider or therapist, you might talk to trusted family members, friends, or clergy.
Do not use street drugs or alcohol.Death by suicide can result from sudden impulses. It's important to avoid anything that adds to these impulses.
Learn to recognize your warning signs of changing moods.Warning signs may be different for different people. Over time, you may be able to learn how to accept them, instead of being angry or disgusted with yourself. Knowing signs of mood changes also can help you make sure you are in a safe place if you do start to think of suicide.
Connect with other people.It may seem hard to do, but social time with others may help you feel better.
Participate in productive, enjoyable activities.Getting involved in meaningful activities may help your mood.
Do something physical.Physical activities may have a positive effect on your mood. They may help you feel better. Remember to first ask your healthcare provider before starting any exercise program.
Keep a journal of your thoughts.Some people find it helpful to keep a journal.
WHY BRING THIS OUT NOW.... MUST BE A REASON I'M READING UP ON IT. HERE I AM ADMITTING THAT I NEED HELP... HIT A NEW LOW HERE AND NOT SURE HOW TO GET OUT. PLEASE DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO REACH MY LEVEL... TAKE YOUR MEDS, GET HELP WHEN NEEDED AND TALK TO SOMEONE... DON'T BE LIKE ME
...ALWAYS
It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. I remind myself that before I had been diagnosed... I managed. It was hard, but I managed. We gotta remember that life provides us with the skills and tools to handle our demo
The True Me...
yes.. i am bipolar, i should confess not share my story. it is not a good life when ur bipolar.. it is not a "moody" matter, mania is not fun, irritability is not fun and medications are not fun. sometimes i feel like my day will not end due to these jitters in my head it seems like a stair steps neither go up or down, today is today always is today!!! i feel crazy, but i am not crazy... i am just bipolar..
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