I found this on a website today and I wonder about the diagnosis. I am not an expert and I could never say who is bipolar and who is not but the actions of this person confuses me. I have to take their word that they are bipolar and was having a severe episode of mania. It almost is the same as an episode once where I kept taking Lithium over and over because it seemed to be days passing instead of hours. This was not written by me.
Out of the Ashes....
It took great tragedy in my life to finally be diagnosed as bipolar. The final blow came after I lost everything I owned in a house fire. Being displaced from your home and trying to cope when your mind does not want to cope wreaks havoc on relationships and your own sense of self. Five months after the fire my boyfriend had walked out saying he couldn't stand see the sadness that had become my life. I had always been the fun one, full of life, always laughing and suddenly my despair was getting worse each day. I found myself seeking out new friends that were more troubled than myself....misery loves company or so it has been said. I stock piled pills of all sorts. They were easy to come by and even easier to throw into their hiding place. I had no idea what pills were what after a while....it was just a case full pills of all shapes, sizes and colors....at the time I wasn't even cognicent of why I was saving them....until one day I decided I needed to sleep. It had been 3 days since I'd slept and I had sunk into a depression and paranoid state that caused me to confine myself to my home. I couldn't even bring myself to check the mail. I was certain that in the mail would be something horrible...never did figure out what but I knew something bad was coming by mail. I took a few pills so that I could sleep the day away. After 30 minutes I took a few more because I didn't think the first ones were working. Then I got confused and couldn't remember if I had taken any pills so I took a few more. An hour later I still couldn't fall asleep and since I didn't think I had taken any pills at all I took a few more and so the cycle began. A full 12 hours later I was still pacing the house. Staggering would be a better choice of words. My boyfriend came home after an overnight shift at work and found me pacing, pupils wildly dialated, speech slurred and my words made no sense. He later told me that it hurt him that I had no regard for life and that he would not stand by and wonder when he would come home too late to save me. I don't recall any of these events and I was never able to convince anyone that my intention that day was not suicide. Maybe subconciously it was, who knows, it may have been. But it didn't start out to be that way and I do not know when my mind may have taken me to that place. My life ended that day in so many ways and it took years of therapy, medications, repairing of relationships with friends, family and coworkers to finally come to terms with what it means to be bipolar. Because of these struggles I have a new life. A life far better than I ever imagined I would have. I have a loving husband, a beautiful daughter, more friends than I can keep up with, and a career that I love. I no longer mind the stigma of being bipolar. I believe that being bipolar has allowed me to experience more and to share these experiences with others in an effort to ease their pain. I am creative, funny and genuine. I will never hide who I am again. I will never apologize for being wired differently from other people. I like who I am and fortunately so do many other people. I hope that anyone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder can find the strength to embrace it rather than hide from it or ignore it. It does not go away and it can not be managed alone. I wish you all the peace that I have found. I still struggle with the ups and downs and still don't always recognize when I'm flipping back and forth but I'm learning everyday.
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