Spiraling Down

Well this blog has turned personal so I will give you an update.  The latest to happen since last month is once again the opportunity to get out of the system has come and once again I am unprepared for it. Another housing complex reached my name on the list and I find that I cannot accept it because of the last manic episode.  They are catching me off guard and I find myself in a mess that I had made of short  of money once again and too many bills to keep up with.

This time it is the lack of documents that I need for the interview I do not know if I would have to wait anyway or if I could just move in. This is devastating I had hopes that this would be my last year here but I do not see that coming so now I have to take a good log look at myself and my behavior these past 4 years.

The time I spent off of meds contributed to this latest catastrophe so I can place some blame on the doctor but most of it is on my bipolar disorder and the constant moodswings. But unfortunately the cannot be controled so I have to learn to deal with them better.  I do not know where to go from here I may be spiraling down and do not look forward to the depression and then the swing up.  It does not reach full mania but it is still hard to control.

Added to that one of the women that I share this house with went off of meds.  She constantly complained that since I was off meds why couldn't she go off or why the check her meds so carefully.  She does not see that her behavior ends up with a hospital stay and humiliation for all of us.  She stripped down to nothing and looked horrible because she is 300 lbs.  This added stress I called 911 and had them take her away has proved to be a little more than I can take right now.  She is out after a week and the house is so miserable trying to avoid her.  She never aplogized for her behavior and what it put us through.  She has embarrassed us to the point where I do not want to walk out the house or let the neighbors see me entering it.

W#ell that is the update I do not know if there is anyone who is interested enough to read this latest chapter in my topsy turvy world of cycles but there it is it helps to vent.

There may come the day when all this will be behind me but for now I continue in my fight for independence